Independent

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Relaxing with a tall glass of Harkonnen Ale after a long day of harvesting spice.

What is your greatest fear?
In reverse order: Small spiders, medium-sized lizards, and extra-large bats (the flying variety, not the piece of equipment used in the popular American team sport of field hockey.)

Which living person do you most admire?
On the third Thursday of every month, around lunch time, there’s a hot dog vendor that sets up on the corner of 7th and whatever street that is where there’s a statue of a lady cradling a bouquet of flowers in her arms as though it’s a baby. I was there a few weeks ago and I asked for two dogs, plain. According to his menu thing (which really isn’t anything more than a piece of cardboard with some scribbly marker writing that was clearly written by either a monkey or someone who recently suffered a stroke), the hot dogs are two dollars a piece. He hands me the hot dogs and says, “Four fifty.” I have a five ready – since I’m going to tip him a dollar, anyway – and I casually mention that his sign says two dollars. He responds with, “That’s a miss-print.” For some reason, I feel it necessary to dig out fifty cents and hand him that as well because somewhere my brain synapses are predisposed to tip this guy a dollar. As I was walking away, I got mad at myself for being a sucker and tipping anything at all…I’m sorry, what was the question again?

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“Whatever you say, officer.”
“Fire!”
“No, you cannot have any of my tiramisu!”

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My insatiable desire for caramel.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My kidneys aren’t the same size.

Which living person do you most despise?
I’d pay good money to punch that Twilight kid in the throat.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
If Ric Flair says it, it’s gospel.

Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I could juggle…water coolers.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I wish I were less patient with people.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
The distance of the restraining order.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Bill Cosby’s neighbor’s bathrobe.

What is your most treasured possession?
My wonderful friends……
…..Ha! Just kidding, my XBOX.

What is your favorite occupation?
I think it would be fun to run a newspaper.

What is your most marked characteristic?
I actually don’t understand this question so I’ll answer Alexander Hamilton.

What do you most value in your friends?
You shouldn’t value your friends, you should put value ON your friends. For instance, Peter is about 20% more valuable than Lucas* and about 15% less valuable than Cameron*.

Who are your favorite writers?
If you know me enough to have read this far, you know I don’t read.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Vince McMahon. Voltron.

What is it that you most dislike?
Eskimos – they’re always stealing my seal meat!

How would you like to die?
A few years back I was almost killed by a robot – true story! – that would have been a pretty cool way to go. “Hey, it’s too bad about Ryan.”
“Yeah, did you hear he was killed by a robot?”
“No way, that’s awesome!”

What is your motto?
When in doubt, throw it out.
________
*Lucas and Cameron are fictional.